Pain

When you’re stuck in a walking prison it’s hard to describe anything. Most of all it’s hard to describe the pain you feel. How do you describe a pain that isn’t inflicted by an outside source? How do you explain an itch that is not caused by any allergy or powder?

The pain of being in the wrong body is unspeakable. There is an ever present ache. Your soul tries to strain against the restraints but they won’t budge. You want to curl up and cry but you can’t explain why.  So you hide the pain. You go out of your way to never ask for help. You try to break free of the prison that allows you to see the entire world but won’t let your soul touch it.

In a prison that does not look like a prison. Everyone thinks you’re doing better. Better after the time you tried to cut deep into your own skin. Better after the fits which lead you to claw at your own skin, leaving you bloody. All of these were attempts to escape the prison. Finally you decide to try to end the torment. You take the pills. You don’t feel anything but the prison inclosing around you and so you take more. Still nothing, so again you take more. Finally you wake up a day later being told that you were the one who told them what you did. Told you were the one who agreed to put your prison inside another prison further restricting yourself.

You can’t even tell your friends or family what is going on inside. How do you put the torment into words? How do you tell them that until the prison is broken you will never be fixed? How do you tell them you don’t want their pity? Especially when some are convinced you just wanted attention. How do you tell them that you don’t want to be their project?

The only thing that will help the pain and keep it from continuing is the surgery. It will not change the past. That pain will always be there, but it will be less. It will not bring your child back into your life, but it will allow you the energy to focus on the fight with the other parent to get equal time. It will not guarantee you a partner for life, but it will remove the fear that keeps you from letting others get romantically close.

Until then how do you tell them “I spend every day wanting to scream in agony from a pain you can’t understand, all I want to do is be free one way or another!!!?”