My old work 2 : you and me

YOU And ME I once loved you I cleaned for you I cared about you I cared for you   You once loved me You once talked to me You once cared for me You were once there for me   I cherished you With gifts I showered you I went to school for you I lived for you   You on occasion cooked for me I cooked for you You held me I held you   You loved me I loved you You listened to me I listened to you   You pushed away from me I crawled back to you You grew apart from me I grew closer to you   You feared being alone so kept me I loved so I stayed with you You decided you didn't love me I knew I always would love you   You hurt me And it hurt you You emotionally killed me So I emotionally hurt you   You say it isn't me You swear the problem is you I think it must be me because I still love you   You no longer want me  A part of  me still wants you You no longer want to hurt me I will do anything for you   You say to leave you I say if that is what you want from me You live only for you Now I must learn to live for me   I look back on my life with you I always wanted there to be you and me, I loved  that my life was you although I  realize there may have never been you and me,   There has always been you Loved by me Sometimes it was you who loved me   I put you Ahead of me for I loved you Now there will be only me and right now I don't like you   I did all I could for you I lived for you I would have given the world for you I would have died for you   Now I will live for me I will love for me I will die for only me I will continue on for me   Your memory will hurt me I hope mine hurts you You will remember me and I will remember you   From this point on it will be me who pushes away you This is what you want of me This is what I give to you   Give my heart back to me for I gave it to you You can't take your heart from me because it seems you kept it with you   I hope one day you will think of me I will probably think of you You will decide you love or need me But will I still be there for you     No longer "yours for eternity" NN. Darkness 2/23/2006

My old work 1: I

I pick up the bottle.

I light up a smoke.

I pick up the knife.

I run the edge across my arm.

I softly press the point to my wrist.

I watch a drop of blood come to the surface.

I want to stop but yet I can't.

I know you brought me here.

I watched you place the bottle down.

I heard you say smoke I don't care.

I want to end it all and get away from you

I want the warm embrace of death

I cry

I miss who you were

I miss myself

I open my eyes

I know it was a dream

I look into the face of an angel

I know she has saved me

I smile

I reach out to her

I kiss her

I say thank you

I know she doesn't understand

I don't care

I will survive

I know

I don't need you

I never did.

Pain

When you’re stuck in a walking prison it’s hard to describe anything. Most of all it’s hard to describe the pain you feel. How do you describe a pain that isn’t inflicted by an outside source? How do you explain an itch that is not caused by any allergy or powder?

The pain of being in the wrong body is unspeakable. There is an ever present ache. Your soul tries to strain against the restraints but they won’t budge. You want to curl up and cry but you can’t explain why.  So you hide the pain. You go out of your way to never ask for help. You try to break free of the prison that allows you to see the entire world but won’t let your soul touch it.

In a prison that does not look like a prison. Everyone thinks you’re doing better. Better after the time you tried to cut deep into your own skin. Better after the fits which lead you to claw at your own skin, leaving you bloody. All of these were attempts to escape the prison. Finally you decide to try to end the torment. You take the pills. You don’t feel anything but the prison inclosing around you and so you take more. Still nothing, so again you take more. Finally you wake up a day later being told that you were the one who told them what you did. Told you were the one who agreed to put your prison inside another prison further restricting yourself.

You can’t even tell your friends or family what is going on inside. How do you put the torment into words? How do you tell them that until the prison is broken you will never be fixed? How do you tell them you don’t want their pity? Especially when some are convinced you just wanted attention. How do you tell them that you don’t want to be their project?

The only thing that will help the pain and keep it from continuing is the surgery. It will not change the past. That pain will always be there, but it will be less. It will not bring your child back into your life, but it will allow you the energy to focus on the fight with the other parent to get equal time. It will not guarantee you a partner for life, but it will remove the fear that keeps you from letting others get romantically close.

Until then how do you tell them “I spend every day wanting to scream in agony from a pain you can’t understand, all I want to do is be free one way or another!!!?”