GID and ME

GID can mean many things to different people. That’s the problem with acronyms. For me being a Trans-woman it has a very specific meaning on the psychological level:

 

But what does it feel like to have GID. It’s one of those things which is hard to explain to people.  For each person it varies in degree and in feelings. All I can attempt to do is describe it from my personal point of view.

Have you ever been in a full body costume?  If not try to imagine something like the Easter Bunny at the mall taking pictures. The costume covers the whole body. They get hot and stuff. You end up with a sort of tunnel vision because of the low visibility. You can’t feel anything you touch. No one can hear what you say (at least not clearly). Eventually all you can think about is getting out of the suit. Now imagine that the zipper is stuck and you can’t get the head off.

That’s what it felt like for me in the beginning. I wanted out of the male costume I was forced into at birth. I realized I was in the wrong body around the time I was 4 years old. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I thought I was a freak.  I would have given anything to find that zipper and just drop the skin I was in and be who I knew I was on the inside. But that never happened.

I could not find a magic item to transform me or at least put me in someone else’s body. Eventually around 10 I figured I would never get out of the costume and suppressed the little girl that was hidden inside. However this lead to the fear that someone might find out. I began to over eat and become antisocial. Know I have come to terms and am in transition.

I still have fears. Those fears are something to be addressed at a future date. Just know for many Trans-individuals I’ve spoken with and my case in particular fear can determine a lot of what we do and why.  I still want to rip of the outer layer unfortunately that’s not going to happen. For those of us who can’t stand our assigned gender (given at birth) who are forced to do something there seems to be three roads. The first is to hide. The second is to die. The third is to make the outside match as closely to the inside as possible.

While this does not explain everything on how this "disorder" affects me it’s a start.