Plns change

They say the best laid plans run astray. This is unfortunately the sad truth. I had a plan to keep my little gem with me and to tell C to screw off. I wanted to file for primary decision making over my gem’s life and to be the primary home. However after a lengthy talk with a lawyer plans changed.

So why did they change? Well I have no solid arguments not to, other than her controlling nature. It is so hard to prove that I underwent emotional abuse at her hands. I also can’t say for sure that she will do this to our daughter.

Also in court not only will the issue of me being trans come up put so will my mental break down a couple months ago and my other mental issues. It appears that in the short term it may be best for our daughter to be with the bio mother until I can get other things straightened out. At least I can try and maximize the amount of time I get her.

 

Night vs. Light

I have known people who were afraid of the dark. They worry about what lurks in the shadows. Afraid what will come out and attack them.  When the truth purposed by others is that nothing is there is nothing in the dark that isn’t there in the light. The day light and sunshine are supposed to be great for one’s mental health and to stave off depression. That is my problem however.

I have no problem with the night I find it comforting. What I hate is the light. Why do I hate the daylight? I don’t know maybe there is more wrong with me then I thought or know.  But in essence I hate the way it exposes everything. There is no place to hide in the light. Not only can you see everything and everyone but they can see you.

There is no chance of anonymity in the daylight. I have a friend who told me that I was well recognized by a lot of people even out of my certain circles and I had a reputation. While he was basically nobody with no reputation. No one outside of his small circle of friends really talked about him. He wasn’t complaining though just stating what he perceives to be the truth. I would like to point out that he does appear quite frequently in a friend of ours blog. To at least a few of us he is the greatest person in the world at the times where we are at our worst. 

While he was not complaining I am. I want the ability to be anonymous. But it seems like I am not able to around this town. The night offers more protection. At least the night helps to cover the tears and the sadness. So I say screw the light and the reputations.

Sorry I lied

It wasn’t really a lie but more of the fact I was hiding the truth. I have been hit with the fact that certain people want the “old me” back and that is where the perception of the lie comes in. I just didn’t know how to tell people that I knew I was supposed to be born a girl. Some people actually mean well when they say they wish I” would have said something sooner. Their reasoning is that they wish they could have helped me get the help I need sooner. If they had I would have never been able to have a biological child, and my little gem is the bright spot in my life.

The one that truly hurts is when someone tells you that they wish you would have something sooner so that they could have adjusted to it easier. When someone says this I can’t help but wonder if they would have handled it any better. And then they act like it is completely alright to be insensitive and make certain comments. When I get upset I’m over reacting.

What brings this about? Well tonight I went out with friends and a couple family members. While out one friend shows up who has known me since elementary school. She doesn’t even seem to try to remember my new name and keeps using the masculine pronouns. This hurts but what hurt even more was when joking around with B about flashing him (which I have no intentions of doing because we were in public and he is related by blood) and he says in a load voice while outside the bar that I still have a dick and he would kick it. I asked him to tone down on the dick statements and he refused because as family he has the right. I walked off.

We did talk about it after and he says that it’s hard for him to adjust. We have hashed this conversation out a few times. He feels that there is a certain amount of pain he is going thru. I explained that I understood but by him making those comments it could put my life in jeopardy. There are still some people willing to kill a transgendered person.   He said he would protect me. I tried to explain he can’t always be there.

 While some may feel betrayed that I did not tell them sooner I don’t think they understand the true amount of pain a Trans person goes through by having to keep the secret. Which can be one of the hardest parts of being trans.

Quit My Bitchig.

Some days I feel so bleh it’s ridiculous. I realize that I could have shit a lot worse. I mean after all I am still physically healthy for the most part.  Most my issues all are literally in my head. The migraines, the anxiety, depression, and the GID all in my head. I start getting the little voice in my head saying quit you bitching. Yet if I can’t say on FB or to my friends for fear of exhausting the patients of my friends what can I do?