I used to like the night. It’s funny how time can change
that. I still hat the light. It exposes all and leaves you no place to hide
anything. You can’t hide your pain when everyone can see your tears. So I used
to find refuge in the dark. After all, the best parties happen after dark. But what
do you do when the dark turns on you?
What do I mean? It seems now days that the dark harbors this
ungodly silence. It taunts me reminding me of everything I have lost; my loving
spouse, my high paying (for this area) job which I determined the hours, but most
importantly my little gem of a daughter. I don’t know if I will ever get her
back. The others I could care less about but not having my baby near me grows
harder and harder as the days go by and can become unbearable at night.
When the party is done and everyone is gone the silence comes.
With the silence come the thoughts. With the thoughts come the tears. With the
tears comes anger. The anger turns to rage. The rage makes me want to scream
and tear the world apart. I can’t tell anyone about it. They would never
understand it. How can you explain that it takes every ounce of energy at time
to keep the rage in check and the depression at bay?
I used to wait eagerly for the dark so that I could come
alive. Now I pray for the daylight. When the sun comes up the mask comes on.
The daylight is my spotlight where I can pretend that I’m someone else and that
what was done to me never happened. I can pretend that someone else made the
mistakes. That I didn’t lose everything that was important. That I didn’t lose a
year or more worth of progress.
